The Monkey Spanker
It’s time to let you in on a little bartending secret. Don’t get too excited, I’m not about to reveal the source of our ultimate coolness—just a drink making formula that you can adapt to almost anything.
I call it “The 2-1-3”, and here’s what it means:
- 2 parts main liquor: for now, main liquors will be vodka, or rum.
- 1 part cordial or liqueur; which will refer to triple sec, peach schnapps, raspberry liqueur, or other flavored cordials.
- 3 parts juice or mix, although a little more to fill the glass is OK.
Measure in ounces for individual cocktail making, or cups for making pitchers and bowls. Just stick to the 2-1-3 ratio. Remember to make the individual cocktail in a glass full of ice, while large drinks made in pitchers or carafes should be kept separate from ice until ready for service. In either case, a little stir and you’re good to go. No garnish needed.
I figured I’d start you off with some basic everyday drink recipes, but feel free to experiment. Just stick to the formula and see what you can come up with. Now let’s make some drinks!
- Sex on the Beach: vodka, peach schnapps, cranberry & orange juice (see note*)
- Woo-Woo: vodka, peach schnapps, cranberry juice
- Pearl Harbor: vodka, melon liqueur, pineapple juice
- Melon Ball: vodka, melon liqueur, orange juice
- Purple Hooter: vodka, Razzmatazz™ (see note**), cranberry juice
- Rumrita: Rum, triple sec, sweet&sour
- Tropical Breeze: rum, amaretto, pineapple juice & orange juice
- Caribean Breeze: rum, peach schnapps, cranberry juice & orange juice
- Lost in Bermuda: rum, melon liqueur, pineapple juice
Note* In the case of multiple juices or mixes, split the amount so that the total makes 3 parts.
Note** Any rasbperry brandy or schnapps is a fine substitute.
By the way, most of these drinks don’t even have permanent names. Order a sex on the beach at five different bars, and you will likely get five different cocktails. Heck, if you come up with a great combo, try naming it yourself, and order it that way. It goes something like this:
You: Hi, can I have a Monkey Spanker please.
Bartender: I’m sorry, I don’t know that one. Can you tell me what’s in it?
You: Sure, it’s (insert recipe).
Bartender: Wow, that sounds great, I’m going to tell all my friends about it.
(Actual friendliness of bartender may vary. Check local bars for availability)
Next think you know; the Monkey Spanker is all the rage.