BrokeAss Gourmet, The premier food, wine and lifestyle blog for people who want to live the high life on the cheap.

This is exciting. REALLY exciting.

In honor of Earth Day, Good Vibrations and BrokeAss Gourmet have united to bring you a really amazing EcoRotic gift basket, worth more than $500. To win it, you must submit (to gabi@brokeassgourmet.com) the sexiest 3-course locavore dinner you can for 2 people costing $35 or less by Wednesday, April 22 at 10 PM. Send recipes and a photograph of the food. We will publish the winner (but we won’t publish your real name and/or photo if you don’t want us to). See below for more information from Good Vibrations:

WIN A GOOD VIBRATIONS ECOROTIC GIFT BASKET!

To kick off Earth Day and the Ecorotic™ launch, Good Vibrations is be giving away gift baskets with loads of eco-friendly sex toys and goodies. Baskets are valued at over $500. Baskets include toys, books and personal products from:

• NobEssence (sustainable harvested exotic wood pleasure toy)
• Xhale (borosilicate glass pleasure toy)
• Njoy (Stainless Steel pleasure toy)
• Chronicle books (books on green living)
• Sliquid Organics (natural lubricant)
• Hathor Aphrodisia (natural flavored lubricants)
• Lelo (rechargeable vibrators)

• What Makes Sex Green?

In the first place, most people have sex in ways that use the earth’s resources lightly, with a way smaller carbon footprint than taking a drive. Good Vibrations suggests that even when you use manufactured toys and products, there are ways to do it “greener” – that is, in a healthier and more sustainable way:

• Be a “localvore” in bed as well as at the dinner table, using products that were manufactured and acquired nearby rather than being shipped overseas.
• Choose natural materials.
• Get toys that last a long time and won’t go to the landfill anytime soon.
• Look for items with little, or recyclable, packaging

Go to www.goodvibes.com to check out the new ECOROTIC™ Collection of Eco-friendly Products. The Good Vibrations earth-friendly Ecorotic™ collection offers all-natural and organic products, as well as longer lasting items that have less environmental impact, such as toys made from superior materials and rechargeable vibes. And all Good Vibrations Ecorotic™ products are safe and phthalates-free.

Sex is part of our lives, so any issue that concerns us out of the bedroom has implications inside it: if we recycle, buy local produce, watch our carbon use, and think ecologically in other ways, it makes sense to do the same when we make sexual choices. Our wellbeing and that of the earth are connected, so consider where you can go Ecorotic™!

Good Vibrations was founded with a culture of good work ethics and socially-conscious business practices. From vendors with fair labor practices to lubes and toys made with natural or vegan ingredients, Good Vibrations hopes to pass to their customers, healthy products that are as good for the planet as they are for your sex life.

Prep Time 0:20

Cook Time 0:35

When you think of promiscuity, as in casual sex with more than one partner, you probably don’t think of soups fitting into the picture. Think again. A homemade soup is not only super cheap and very impressive to pull off for a date, if you make enough you can re-heat it for the next night’s date, dust off your apron going “phew!” and think of soup as your set ‘em up and knock ‘em down wingman. Or wingwoman. Fly it anyway you like.

This particular soup, however, is to be used with caution. It is a rich Italian minestrone and packed with seduction and spice in the way that only Italians make love with food (and vice-versa). I’ll just say that the last boy I made this soup for, well, let’s just say he came back for more than I expected. When they taste this minestrone, you will get those eyes and now you’ve been warned.

• INGREDIENTS
• 3 carrots $1.50
• handful of fingerling potatoes (4-5) $2 / free if actually in your hand when you leave the store
• 1 yellow onion $.89
• 1 fistful green beans $1.50
• 2 small-medium green zucchini squash $1.50
• 2-3 celery stalks $1.99/lb
• 2-3 garlic cloves Pantry
• 1 can red kidney beans $1.59
• 1 can yellow corn $1.49
• 1 overflowing handful of pasta (your choice) Pantry
• 1 bunch of fresh basil $2.49
• 1 large can stewed red tomatoes $2.75
• 1 can tomato paste $1
• splash of red wine (up to 1/4 cup) $1.99
• salt and pepper to taste Pantry
• olive oil Pantry
• water to cover

Total (Maximum) Cost of Recipe: $19.00

DIRECTIONS

This procedure is unusual in that you’ll be doing prep simultaneously as you cook; have a chopping board next to the stove because you’ll cook and cut, and keep adding to the pot, all at once. Which will, of course fill the house with a sensuous scent of warmth, comfort, and Italian cooking so when your date arrives as you’re mid-chop, it’s like they get a kiss at the door without even trying.

Oil in the pot, enough to cover the bottom. Get your heat on medium-low, chop the entire onion into 1-inch long pieces, and toss it in as the oil heats up. Use a wooden spoon to give it an immediate roll-around in the oil and turn your attention back to the other veggies. You’ll chop and add them in order of “hardness” — carrots cut into rounds about 1/4 inch thick at most, and in the pan they go, with another roll around in the oil and onions. Next come the potatoes; cut into smallish bite-sized pieces, and into the pot, stir it up. The same treatment comes for the green beans (1-inch pieces), celery (1/4-inch thick), and zucchini (1/4-inch thick rounds).

Turn the heat down if it’s acting like it’s frying the veggies — but know that each time you add a veggie and stir the pot, you decrease the heat within the pot. This is when I add the garlic, chopped very fine. Why? I don’t believe in overcooking garlic. Let the heat return to the pot and add that splash of wine so it makes a nice sizzle. Stir, stir, stir. Grab about 10 basil leaves and a pair of scissors, and cut the leaves haphazardly into the mix. Open the can or tomatoes and stick your hand in (careful, sharp edges) and squish the tomatoes into the bottom of the can over the soup so all the juice runs out (and hope your date is watching). Then, with your fingers, shred about half the tomatoes in the can into the soup mixture. You won’t use the whole can. Stir gently.

Add water to cover all the veggies, turn the heat to medium, and put a lid on it, pal. Then make your pasta in a pot on the side. I find that spirals (Fusilli) really look great in this mix. Take a coffee mug, scoop out a cupful of broth, and mix the entire can of tomato paste into it; pour this back into the pot. Open and drain the corn and beans, add about half a can of each into the soup. Grab 10 more basil leaves and your scissors, and cut the leaves haphazardly into the mix.

When your pasta is done, drain it and add it to the soup. Add salt and pepper a little at a time — add, stir, taste, repeat — until the broth sings all the flavors of the ingredients cooked into it. Try each of the veggies separately to make sure they’re cooked through; ideally you want them cooked but not colorless or soggy.

Optionally, you can serve your victim, I mean date, a bowl with some Parmesan or Pecorino-Romano shredded on top. Don’t forget the wine, and be prepared to have a safe word ready when they ask for seconds. But don’t worry — you’ll have enough. This soup is exceptional when made with all-organic ingredients.

Prep Time 0:10

Cook Time 0:15

Any chance I get to encourage you to eat with your hands — hopefully with a potential lover — I’m going for it (just like I hope you do, later). It’s visceral, it’s sensual, it’s sometimes unintentionally funny and even if it gets messy, you can both laugh and relax. That’s part of the beauty of the Sultry Ginger Chicken Gyro.

If you’re seducing a vegetarian, swap out fake chicken or a very firm tofu; if not, two breasts — ahem — should do the trick, dear reader. Aside from combining cleavage jokes and finger food, the real clincher in this deal is the ginger. Fresh ginger is spicy, reminiscent of sexy hot climates, makes your hands and kitchen smell like heaven, and gives you one very kissable, ginger-flavored mouth.

• INGREDIENTS
• 2 chicken breasts $4.99
• Veggie alternate: fake chicken (unseasoned) or very firm tofu $3.99 / $1.50
• 1 Yellow onion $.89
• 1 baby bok choy $.50
• 1 package of pita bread $2.39
• 1 ginger root $1.60
• Optional: small plain yogurt, with added squeeze of lemon $2.49 / $.33
• Salt and pepper to taste Pantry
• Cooking oil, plain or mild olive Pantry

Total (Maximum) Cost of Recipe: $13.00

DIRECTIONS

If you opt to make a yogurt-lemon sauce (though it’s not necessary, it is delicious), about an hour before you start cooking mix a teaspoon of lemon juice with the small container of plain yogurt and set it in the fridge.

Wash the bok choy and trim off both ends; then give it a quick re-rinse. Skin the ginger and chop it into tiny, tiny bits; you can also grate it with a fine grater — you’ll want to end up with a fat tablespoon’s worth. Slice half the onion (long slivers), do the same to the bok choy (but eschew the ends). Sliver the chicken breasts.

Put your burner on medium heat. Oil in the pan, start cooking the onions and keep them moving; as they change color add the chicken. Watch the color of the chicken and onions change — after about 3-5 minutes, add the bok choy and your ginger. The onion will become clear, the chicken will look like cooked chicken and the bok choy will be cooked but still a pretty green: we’re talking a stir fry experience of about 15 minutes maximum. The cook time will be only for the veggies if you’re using tofu or fake chicken: ten minutes max. Add salt and pepper to taste.

Turn off the heat on your chicken mix, and get the bread and yogurt out (the yogurt mix can even be near room temperature to maintain the warmth of the dish). Crack open an inexpensive bottle of wine or tasty big beer — you’re under budget with this one, so don’t be shy. Halve the pita bread and give it a quick warming in the toaster oven, or regular oven — don’t actually toast it, though. You’ll want it just warm enough to be pliable.

Pliable, like a warm and hungry dinner partner. Take two halves for each of you, scoop in the delicious ginger chicken mix, and sit very close together. If you have the yogurt mix to add as a sauce, only provide one spoon for the bowl. Sharing is sexy, and never underestimate the seductive power of single spoon negotiations.

Prep Time 0:15

Cook Time 0:35

Making a sausage dish for Valentine’s Day isn’t only a visual alliterative for sex, but also a hearty comfort food that makes the person you’re cooking for feel the intimacy and caring that only a thoughtfully planned meal can provide. Add to this a white wine Dijon sauce with a kinky twist of fresh pear that will make them think you have the mad skillz not just in the kitchen, and you’ve got a very seductive meal on your hands.

A kinky pear Dijon sauce? Yes, go there. Pears, with all their blush and fragrance, add the sexy feminine shape to compliment your butch sausages, and fleshy pears were sacred to Aphrodite, the Greek goddess of love. Some medieval European myths indicate that eating pears were believed to induce instant sexual arousal.

Don’t worry about relying on myth; this recipe leaves you enough cash for a decent bottle of wine to seal the deal. You can go over budget and actually buy the Dijon mustard, or you can just stop by a hot dog stand or raid a condiment packet table at a nearby hamburger joint; all you need is a tablespoon (about 4 packets). For the wine sauce, you’ll want a white and white cooking wine does not need to be drinkable — bonus! You can get a white cooking wine at Safeway for up to $3 a bottle, and you’ll have plenty left for either more cooking later, or possibly to distract your date if you burn the sausage.

• INGREDIENTS
• Four decent mild uncooked sausages such as chicken or mushroom $5.99
• Veggie alternate: Tofurky Gourmet Vegetarian Sausages $5.99
• 1 1/2 pears, sliced into pretty, medium-thin wedges $1-2
• One shallot (or mild yellow onion), minced $.97
• 1/2 lb. fresh spinach $1
• 3/4 cup white wine: cheap cooking Chardonnay $3
• Dijon mustard free if you steal it
• Salt and pepper to taste Pantry
• Olive or other cooking oil Pantry

Total Cost of Recipe: $13.00

DIRECTIONS

Preheat the oven to 425. Boil the sausages in water (enough to cover them) for 12-13 minutes, or until no longer pink (veggie sausage users will skip this step; your sausages are already cooked). Grab a baking dish and rub it down with oil (practice for later), lay down a bed of your minced shallots and set the sausages on top. Add the wine and bake for half an hour (40 minutes max); keep an eye on the sausages and move them around occasionally to make sure they color evenly. You’ll want them slightly browned.

Remove from the oven, take sausages out of the liquid and whisk in your four finger discount Dijon. You don’t actually need a whisk; you can make the sauce blend with a fork. But whisks are hot. Make a note of that for later. Set the baking dish on the stove over medium heat while you whisk; medium low if your burners get hot fast. Add the pears and stir them around until they’re warmed through, and taste the sauce as you go along so you can add salt and pepper to bring up the flavors as they blend. If you’re watching someone else make the sauce, ask them to give you a taste — without using your hands.

When pears are warm and the sauce is almost as saucy as you are, arrange the sausages on a thin bed of spinach, and slowly pour the steamy sauce and pears over the sausages. The heat and sauce will soften the spinach delightfully.

You already opened the wine, right? The sauce wants white wine, but I always want red. Fortunately, if you were thrifty, you can add in a decent corner store or even Safeway red for under $10. Yes, you read that correctly. Sure hits to look for are anything from La Vieille Ferme (French), Taurino’s Salice Salentino (Italian), and you can usually find an Argentinian Malbec — I saw a decent one at Safeway for $9.98. Also, Cellar No. 8 (Cabernet) has the appeal of looking like a “No on 8” wine, average cost is $8, and it’s getting a cult following. It’s impossible to go wrong with anything from Bonny Doon Vineyard (California), and their Big House Red retails for $7.98, as does their house white, Ca De Solo Big.

Share the one plate. Feed each other, you sexy Valentines. You’re what makes the world spin.

Prep Time 0:15

Cook Time 0:20

Sharing a meal that you eat with your hands is sexy enough; even better when the ingredients drive your senses into overdrive. Pizza has always been associated with love and romance, but the open secret about sexing up the DIY pizza is capitalizing on the aphrodisiac herbs on the cheap while making a pie that would impress top chefs — and a date. Even if that date is you. Basil is reputed to stimulate the sex drive from Sicily to India (and sacred to voodoo love goddess Erzulie); rosemary is an herb of romantic memory and a sprig can be easily stolen from anyone’s front yard in broad daylight. In Italy, sweet basil is called “kiss me Nicholas” (bacia-nicola); rosemary was reputedly named for Aphrodite / Venus and in many early depictions the goddess of love was portrayed clutching or wearing a sprig of the fragrant herb. And it is a weed, my friends, it grows everywhere. Paying for rosemary is foolish. And if you want to go the distance, slipping some overpriced and trendy — yet delicious — Mozzarella di Bufala up your sleeve or in the spacious pocket of your former employer’s keepsake company hoodie is a pretty romantic risk to take for a date. Trust me, it works. So go get down with your hot self and try the Love Spell Pizza.

• INGREDIENTS
• A baguette or foofy artisan “herb slab” bread $3.69
• Tomato sauce (does not need to be “pizza” sauce) $1.69
• Shredded mozzarella $4.69
• Substitution: Mozzarella di Bufala $6.99 or free
• Onion $.89
• Rosemary free if you steal it
• Basil $2.69

Total Cost of Recipe: $14

DIRECTIONS

Preheat the oven to 400; dice the onion — and know that in France, newlyweds were traditionally served onion soup on the morning after their wedding night to restore their libido. Lean back while you chop so you don’t tear up. Slice the bread lengthwise so you have two “pizza crusts.”

Spoon the sauce onto the bread, using the back of the spoon to ensure even coverage; don’t overdo, but don’t leave the edges uncovered. Take the basil and stolen rosemary, use a pair of scissors and clip small bits of the herbs directly onto the sauce, again with even distribution.

Cover it with cheese — remember this is “gourmet” so you can be a cheapskate and use very little cheese just like they do in expensive restaurants. If you stole some of the fancy mozzarella, pre-slice it and press it between paper towels to get the extra moisture out. This is fine cheapo dining, and that means you can artfully arrange your cheese like you’re Jackson Pollock. Sprinkle on the onions, and you’re good to go.

Place the pizzas on a baking sheet (or even tin foil) and in the oven they go. Check on it after ten minutes; your goal is melted cheese, having the onions cooked through and the crust slightly hardened. When they’re ready to come out, set them on a cutting board for five minutes before you slice them. Serve with a large, fancy bottle of microbrew beer with high alcohol content like something from the Stone Brewing Company (average price $3.99/bottle), and you’ve got a sexy meal for two under $20. The rest, as always, is up to you.

Serves 2 hungry lovers, preferably already in bed.